A Grief Day | Still Playing School

A Grief Day

By Devany LeDrew | Labels:
Yesterday I could feel it brewing.  My husband had some appointments after work and it was all I could do to put in the "overtime" for the evening.  Usually by the time he gets home, I can check out if I need to or I can change my focus onto something else, but yesterday just ended up being an longer-than-typical day.

Finally, when the day was behind us, I went to bed sad.  I woke up sad.  I miss her.


Today I woke up ready to try again.  But some typical life stress boiled over early in the morning, usual stuff of marriages and a toddler and life and pets and housework and potty training and next week is this and that and we have to mail two cards and get a gift and make an appetizer and get a babysitter and what do they all truly think of me as a mom and a friend, but on top of everything else, on top of the fact that I feel like I am just barely stitched back together sometimes, the dam broke.

It was a messy, emotional morning.  I had to focus just to pick myself up off the floor.  I saw the look on his face as he had to leave for work.  He didn't want to walk out but life goes on.  We are almost six months out and we knew we would get to this point where the resources dry up.  Sometimes I throw myself into other projects and I'm sure I look like to most of you that I have moved on a bit.  I'm distracting myself from this pain that is always so close to the surface.  If you look somewhat put together some of the time, the expectations come back, from others and from yourself and then a day like today is doubly devastating.  

A butterfly flutters its wings and that's enough pressure to send me spiraling out of control into the abyss of grief.

After he left, I thought about what I would do if I were truly ill today.  I laid on the couch with E, we watched way too much television, we ate food we shouldn't have eaten, but my husband brought us lunch and we still managed to work on potty training a bit.  At nap time, we curled up together in "Momma's bed," and I tried to surround her with love all day.  I want her to know that even when I'm at my worst, she comes first.  We may have watched a lot of shows, but they were carefully chosen.  We were dressed.  She had eaten.  After nap, we even made it to the park.  Today, that would have to be enough.

I expressed my sadness via Facebook which sometimes feels so self indulgent.  I got responses of love, my neighbor (who is quickly becoming a best friend) made us dinner, and I feel a bit better tonight.  

Parent guilt is staggering even when you aren't grieving.  You can spend so much time constantly comparing yourself to the next parent who is outside more, doing more projects, makes it to library story time looking great with the kids' hair combed, eats only organic, and so on.  

I have to remember it's just one day.  I can try again tomorrow.  



4 comments :

  1. I am so proud of you for being able to be honest with yourself and with all of us who love you. This was how you dealt with today and those who have gone before you with this grief get it and those who might have to in the future will think back on your words as I have a million times since Raysen. Someone who lost a baby at birth said its like being in the ocean and a wave hits you and you tumble down down down all the way fighting to get back up and you do just as another wave hits and takes you back down again - eventually the waves become fewer and there are times when they are still but just when you least expect it another huge one comes that knocks you down over and over again. So many ways to describe grief but it all boils down to the fact that you are missing that precious baby girl of yours and bad days happen.
    Thank you for sharing because I feel its important for all of us who love you to know when a bad day surfaces. How else would your wonderful neighbor have known to make dinner :) or the ones who wrote notes of encouragement and love.
    Even through your pain you are always reaching out teaching, and explaining and therefore helping those who have gone before you in this process and those who will after
    Keep on keeping on - you are an inspiration to all who you touch.
    Love you,
    Cheryl

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  2. If not tomorrow. The next day works too! There is no rule book. I am glad you allowed your day to happen.

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  3. Love this and love you. You are a beautiful mother to your beautiful baby girls, my friend.

    And a heartfelt thank you to your neighbor for doing something truly wonderful for you on a day like today.

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  4. Sometimes you just have to take a "timeout" and miss your daughter. I think you did it in a wonderful way by snuggling with your other daughter.
    And what an awesome neighbor you have.
    XOXO.

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