Contemplating Beliefs | Still Playing School

Contemplating Beliefs

By Devany LeDrew | Labels:
I don't have a lot of firm beliefs in where Violet may have gone but I feel she still exists in some way.  There are times when I feel closer to her than others.  I have also had the most profound spiritual experiences of my life since she's been a part of it, including this one here and one I plan to write about later this week, and one that I would love to share with you privately if you ask.

I guess I would put myself in the agnostic category, because I am very comfortable with not knowing.  I will experience whatever is next when I die and that's enough for me.  I don't believe we are capable of understanding what is waiting for us until we get there and that's okay.

I would also say that I identify with pantheism, which is less of a belief in an individual god and more of an idea that we are all one in some way.  Perhaps we'll be reunited, but I don't know whether I'll recognize Violet as an individual or if she will just be a part of me as she once was or if I will even be able to identify myself as separate from everything else at that point.

I can't ever watch this video without being moved, sometimes to tears:

It is empowering, necessary, and a bit scary to put this out there.  For the past several years I have been increasingly comfortable "coming out" in our predominantly Christian society.  I have found friends who have similar beliefs.  I have had the majority of my friends and family support my beliefs with an open mind regardless of theirs.  I've had wonderful and invigorating conversations.  I've also had some people question my beliefs and choices as a parent.  I realize this is done based on what they believe, but it still is hurtful.  All I want is the same respect you would give me if I chose one of the world's most popular religions: Chrsitian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish.

Just as I feel the need to talk about my grief not only because it is cathartic for me, but because it lets others know what one bereaved parent looks like, I also am driven to begin to speak more openly about my spirituality so that less people will assume that everyone around them holds the same beliefs.  I welcome conversations with those closest to me regarding this subject.


  1. Love this! You know I have a lot of the same beliefs as you do and it's definitely something more of us need to put out there so it isn't just assumed that we are of a particular faith. It's incredibly difficult for me to "come out" coming from a christian family and having a christian husband (hubby knows my beliefs) and it's also difficult when explaining these types of things without christianity to our living daughter when it comes to the deaths of her brothers and for "simplicity"'s sake, we do use terms like "heaven",etc. She's almost 5 years old and doesn't know who/what God is because we do not attend a church. I have researched many different religions and could never find one that I agreed with and ended up going with my own opinions/beliefs and call myself Spiritual. I believe "the kingdom of God" or however you would want to phrase an afterlife exists here with all of us and it's inside us and in the nature around us. I also feel like my boys are still here - sometimes they really show themselves, others are more subtle, but I still feel that they are with me and never really left. Does that mean they're in heaven? A different spiritual plane? The same spiritual plane but in different form? I don't know and I'm ok with that also. I do think I will be together with them again one day, along with all my other loved ones (and beloved dogs!). But then again, I don't really feel as if they ever left!

  2. Thank you for sharing! I don't know about you, but when Nathaniel died, my beliefs were certainly rocked to the core. Perhaps having and loving V. has strengthened your beliefs?

    I'd love to hear sometime about your spiritual experiences with V.

    My thoughts are with you these days. V.'s birthday is coming up soon <3