Violet's Story: September | Still Playing School

Violet's Story: September

By Devany | Labels:
Written September 17, 2011 9:44am
31 weeks pregnant (tomorrow):

I had an OB appointment on Wednesday. We discussed scheduling our c-section. We will have Violet at 37 weeks unless she shows signs of distress via ultrasound prior to that. 37 weeks will be the week of October 31 - November 4th. We will get a definite date at our next appointment on October 5th.

This is so hard. I don't even know what else to say. Emotionally I am not doing as well as I was with the date coming closer and closer. It is difficult for me to do the every day things that I want to be doing like taking care of E and going out to see friends. Physically, I have to remind myself that I am 7 months pregnant, chasing a very stubborn and active toddler, not sleeping well, and also dealing with all the stress. Emotionally, I am hormonal and I never know how I'm going to react to any given situation one minute to the next. Both of these things combined are making me want to hide out at home more and more.

I am sad that because I miss myself. I am sad because I am watching myself not be able to do simple things (like call friends back or remember things) but I just can't seem to handle it better than I already am. Someone recently described grief as if you are handicapped. You still feel like you are somewhere in there, but you are really incapable of doing what you used to or truly being you.

I'm even sick of thinking about my emotions and trying to explain them. I'm so sorry in so many ways. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, myself included. And then I feel like I shouldn't even say these things because it is all so sad and depressing.


Written September 21, 2011 8:24am

I found out yesterday that I have gestational diabetes. I have to meet with a dietitian and learn how to (hopefully) control it with diet and also see a nurse to learn to test my own blood sugar 4 times a day.

In the meantime, I did some research about what the diet will involve and it is basically eliminating sugar and cutting drastically back on carbs (since they turn into sugar). It will be a lot of protein and whole grains (no white bread, rice, pasta). You have to limit even fruit and milk (they have lots of carbs). We went grocery shopping last night and I bought a lot of things that I know I can have (green vegetables) and read a lot of labels to see what I had to limit. I am writing down everything I eat and totaling carbs and protein.

I have read that women usually lose weight on this diet (obviously) even when pregnant so I am a bit concerned about what this means for Violet since she is already supposed to be born small. In a typical pregnancy, gestational diabetes increases the risk of you having a large baby (which will not happen with Violet) and increases the risk of stillbirth (where Violet already has an increased risk).

Written September 27, 2011 7:18am

My gestational diabetes is being managed well with diet. I have been taking my blood four times a day since Friday. I have made two trips to the grocery store in a week to read labels very carefully and see what I can have. Mr. SPS put it best (again) when he said that I'm not missing any certain food, but I am mourning the free will of eating, which is just so true. I was definitely using food to cope and I can't anymore, but this is also consuming a lot of mental energy with meal planning, watching the clock for when I can eat (or when I need to eat even if I don't want to), and when to test my blood.

At least it is something I can concentrate on. I am nesting so I am reorganizing E's closet and sorting through her summer clothes and putting her fall/winter wardrobe in. This is something I loved doing when I was pregnant with her and while I wish I was washing and sorting newborn clothing, I am still taking comfort in doing it for my other little girl.

She also wanted me to rock her last night after she went to bed. I definitely love those baby moments she still has as she turns into more of a little girl. I need to be needed like that right now. She is so independent during the day and I cherish the moments when she wants Momma.

We have an ultrasound with Maternal Fetal Medicine tomorrow. I am very nervous about it. I am terrified they are going to see something that makes them want to deliver Violet sooner than 37 weeks which already seems too soon. I just want to stay pregnant and keep her safe forever, which I know I can't do.

Monday is my next OB appointment. That is when we will schedule my c-section. It will be sometime between October 31 and November 4th. I just don't want to do this. At the beginning of this pregnancy we thought we would be picking our baby's birthday, but we are also picking when we start to lose her.

I am grateful for so many things that we've gotten already in this journey, but every day is harder. People ask how I'm doing and I can't honestly say, "Okay," anymore.

I just want my baby girl.


Written September 29, 2011 7:15am

The ultrasound went well! We had Dr. B again who is always reassuring and calm.

Violet has still not stopped growing, which is great. He said that some babies with her diagnosis stop at 20some weeks. But she is measuring small as expected. She is 3 lbs. 11 oz. She has hair that we could see on the back of her sweet, little head. He joked that she might have more than him.

We talked a bit about her individual defects and what each one will mean at birth, but a lot of them (like her enlarged kidneys and possible bowel issues) won't really tell us much by ultrasound. We will have to wait until she is born to see if there is function to them, but he seems to think there is since she is using her kidneys now and there are no obvious places in the bowel that look like they will cause problems.

She isn't breech anymore. She had her face turned away from us so Dr. B used a noise maker that sounded like an air horn to see if she would startle and roll over. He said it doesn't work with most babies but it worked with Violet! She started moving all around! It was so funny! And I am so comforted to know that she can hear (there is a chance she will be deaf and/or at least partially blind) because that means she has been hearing her Momma, Dada, and sister all this time!

When she heard the noise maker she turned around a little so we got some partial shots of her face, but she was still pressed up and cuddled against me "as if her face was smashed into a screen door," Dr. B said. We saw her stick her thumb into her eye and smile! I was so happy to see her personality like this. It made all the ultrasounds and medical bills worth it to see that silly moment and get a picture of it.

We will have one more ultrasound in three weeks. Monday we have a regular OB appointment where we will schedule her c-section date and we will also tour the NICU and meet with Dr. L, Violet's NICU doctor.

1 comment :

  1. sounds like she was trying to give you a thumbs up <3 reading so much emotion makes me weepy for you.