Now that I am further along in my own grief, I realize that she WAS showing me exactly what life can be like a year later.
Violet would be 17 months old tomorrow. I had a difficult time this weekend imagining the brown haired girl she would be, toddling along, finding all the purple Easter eggs. I still have days that make it hard to breathe. Sometimes I write about them, but sometimes I don't. I always want to talk about her. Instead I attempt to find ways to incorporate her into our lives seamlessly.
I am simultaneously grieving and mothering all three of my children at all times. I need the balance of three.
I am holding, missing, loving, laughing, feeding, aching, crafting, bathing, grieving, nurturing, smiling, talking, healing, writing, playing, remembering.
Before Violet was born, I heard this song and quoted on Facebook, "What makes a falling star go by? Why does it fall and where does it go? And how does it make that glittery glow?" I was anticipating her arrival as my shooting star, brief, beautiful, then gone.
As I'm writing this D is napping. E is upstairs playing. Sesame Street is left on the abandoned television. This song comes on. Maybe it's a coincidence. Or maybe, as I am mothering the other two in my daily life, she is reminding me that she's not that far away either.