Violet would be four years old today. It's been four years since I first saw her face, marveled at each part of her, both whole and broken, and tried to fit a lifetime of love into two days.
Four years seems so impossible. She wouldn't be a baby anymore or even a toddler. She'd be a girl between E & D. As a family, we guessed what she'd like to play with and what her personality might be like. And though I felt like I knew her as an individual so well in the two days we got with her, I don't know her as a girl. I don't know who she'd be at four years old.
Right now, I feel the same sense of urgency I felt as I held her for the first time to say everything I needed to say, to make it right, and the words just didn't come. Soon, on that day four years ago, a peace washed over me and instead of feeling rushed to tell her everything, I let her teach me.
I'm going to try to give myself that same space and peace today to step back and remember that if I can't do everything perfectly today, when it seems impossible to even get out of bed again, better days will come. I have my whole life to be her momma, still.
I love you so much, baby girl. I miss you.