Who was I then? Who am I now? | Still Playing School

Who was I then? Who am I now?

By Devany | Labels:

I love this picture because it was taken when we were on vacation in Avalon, NJ.  I was 3 months pregnant and 2 months away from knowing of V's diagnosis.  I love that E is sitting on her sibling.  I remember wondering if V was a boy or a girl (I was sure she was a boy.  I was totally wrong).  I captioned this on Facebook as "Me and my TWO babies (!!!).  I remember that it was finally sinking in that I would be a mommy of two.  

E would have a hard time sleeping at the beach so I would lay down with her until she fell asleep.   I remember being curled up with her on our double bed and thinking, "I am holding both of my children right now."  It was amazing because it was the first time I thought of that.  Then I remember the sinking feeling I felt when I remembered thinking that after the diagnosis and I realized time was running out to do that again.  I started rocking E to sleep more at night while I was still pregnant with V because it was a way for me to hold them both one more time.  I would dance with E in my arms at our Kindermusik class and know V was swaying within as well.  

I have read that a lot of fellow Baby Loss Mommas look at pictures of themselves before and wonder at who that person in the picture is, if she has any idea what's ahead.  Of course not.  Look at that smile!  I still smile, but I cherish that I have that smile recorded for all time.  The smile of a mother expecting to live a life with her two healthy, perfect children.


  1. I absolutely love this blog....and I guess Violet also taught us to not take anything for granted and to enjoy each day as it comes....we are not promised anything for sure in this life....make the best of every moment.
    I am sure that Violet would want to see that wonderful smile on her mother's face again....keep trying to be happy.

  2. Stopping by because I found your link on Glow. I love this photo -- full of so much hope and happiness. I'm sorry V is not here with you now.

    When I see photos of myself when pregnant I almost can't believe it happened. And I want it back so badly.