What Might Have Been | Still Playing School

What Might Have Been

By Devany | Labels:
Sometimes the sadness creeps in, a secret weapon that travels on memories. Today it was in the form of this Laurie Berkner video which came on Nick Jr:

When I was pregnant with V, before we knew who she was, I imagined her to be a boy because my pregnancy was just SO different than my one with E. While listening to this song I planned on taking a picture of the baby at a day old, two days old, etc. and posting them with captions using the lyrics of this song.
"I'm sitting here, I'm one day old."
"I'm getting tired, I'm two days old."

NEVER in a million years did I imagine how some of the lyrics wouldn't apply. "One day, I'll be a year, then I'll be two, then three, then four." No. Not this baby. There will be no pictures beyond 2 days old.

When they announced V was a girl, I immediately imagined her in E's clothes. Then there were visions of the girls in each other's weddings. Instead of paying attention to why they mentioned her sex so quickly, but were taking so long measuring her heart and brain, my mind was flooded with daydreams of their futures. TWO girls. SISTERS so close in age. Fighting over boys, sleep overs, braiding hair, whispering.

Nothing is more gut wrenching then reflecting back at my naivety and thinking of how I was so, so wrong.


  1. Oh and p.s. You can see how good I was at blogging ;-)

  2. tears for you . . . . .

  3. You make me cry.... I am grateful for the time we had with her and angry that all the dreams we had for her will never happen. I love you all.