International Bereaved Mother's Day

Mother's Day can be heartbreaking and bittersweet to bereaved mothers.  To soften the emotional burden of that holiday, the first Sunday in May is reserved specifically for those of us that have lost children to think of our missed babies, reflect on how they have changed us as mothers, and have a quiet day specifically with this special relationship in mind.

In additional to celebrating Violet and all she's taught me today, I am also taking the time to speak out about how grateful I am for my community of other grieving mommas.  Very often (even just this past Friday) something happens in my every day life and I know that only they can relate. Being able to reach out (both online and in person) and be understood, being able to feel comfortable exactly as I am looking into eyes that reflect the same (often misunderstood) love and pain back at me, is uniquely priceless.

I want to also thank those of you who haven't lost a child, but have none the less supported me beautifully in the past (almost) two years.  You have silently worn wristbands in memory of Violet, you have spoken her name to us, you have sent us pictures that remind you of her, you have put us in touch with other healing families, and most importantly, you have remembered and missed and grieved her with us.  I can't count the times that something you've said or done or written about her has carried me through a difficult day.

This year on International Bereaved Mother's Day, Still Standing Magazine has put out the call to all bereaved mothers to break the silence of our grief by posting pictures of ourselves today to show the world we are still standing after the death of our child.

Here we are on the way to the park yesterday.  I wasn't planning on this being my picture for the Still Standing project, but it's perfect.  We spent time playing at the playground as a family and I thought of her who was missing.  I always, always do.

Violet, your absence is deafening, but it's changed me in positive ways. I'm a different person, mother, wife, and friend.  Thank you, my sweet girl.  I miss you so much every day.

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Dear Dental Hygienist

Dear Dental Hygienist,

Thank you for allowing me to talk about Violet without shutting down or ending the conversation.  This doesn't happen often.

In fact, just yesterday at MY dentist appointment, my dentist asked how many kids we have.  I answered with three so she asked their ages.  I said Violet was two and a half days when she died.  The dentist and hygienist at that appointment clammed up and stopped talking without as much as an, "I'm sorry."  I laid there as they continued with the appointment thinking about how I always say two and a half days.  That extra half of a day is SO important to me when our girl wasn't expected to live possibly at all.  Responses like the silence I was met with for the rest of my appointment make me question sharing my girl with the world which I am aching to do.

At E's appointment today, though, you saw D and asked how E was adjusting to being a big sister.  I avoided the entirely honest response to this topic a bit by answering with a simple, "She's great with him."  The conversation naturally carried on and Violet worked her way in again (persistent little girl that she is).  I explained that E had another younger sibling who had died after two days.  For this reason, she has been an even better sister to D.  She was just so happy to have him in our home, joining our family for longer than Violet could.

You didn't know you were asking a loaded question.  No one does.  And I never know how I'm going to answer.  It depends on the day.  It depends on my energy, the time, my emotions.

Thank you for continuing to talk with me about her.  Thank you for almost crying.  Thank you for respectfully and compassionately asking about her diagnosis and defects.  I wish we could have talked longer.  I gave you one of her RAOK cards with this blog address. I hope you come here and read about how you helped make my whole day better by allowing me to share ALL of my children with you today.  Thank you for looking at her picture and hearing her name and saying they were both beautiful.

The world needs more simple kindness like yours.

Love,
Violet's Momma

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The Simultaneousness of Grief

I remember reading Erin's blog right after Violet died.  She was writing about the educational and enriching activities that she always does with her son, Chase.  I remember waiting every day for her to write about her other son, Christian, the one she lost.  I wanted to read about grief while I was grieving.  I wanted to know how the journey was a year later.  Yet, she was cooking, crafting, teaching.  I marveled that she was living a full and happy life.

Now that I am further along in my own grief, I realize that she WAS showing me exactly what life can be like a year later.

Violet would be 17 months old tomorrow.  I had a difficult time this weekend imagining the brown haired girl she would be, toddling along, finding all the purple Easter eggs.  I still have days that make it hard to breathe.  Sometimes I write about them, but sometimes I don't.  I always want to talk about her.  Instead I attempt to find ways to incorporate her into our lives seamlessly.

I am simultaneously grieving and mothering all three of my children at all times.  I need the balance of three.

I am holding, missing, loving, laughing, feeding, aching, crafting, bathing, grieving, nurturing, smiling, talking, healing, writing, playing, remembering.

Before Violet was born, I heard this song and quoted on Facebook, "What makes a falling star go by?  Why does it fall and where does it go? And how does it make that glittery glow?"  I was anticipating her arrival as my shooting star, brief, beautiful, then gone.



As I'm writing this D is napping.  E is upstairs playing.  Sesame Street is left on the abandoned television.  This song comes on.  Maybe it's a coincidence.  Or maybe, as I am mothering the other two in my daily life, she is reminding me that she's not that far away either.

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A Night for Violet

Sweet Pea Project once again offered a night to heal bereaved parents' hearts this past Friday.  Coffee & Conversation with Catherine A. G. Bayly was an evening for me to mother my middle child who is no longer here with us.  

We had delicious food and coffee, Catherine read some of her own poetry and some pieces by others, then gave us several writing prompts.

Here is one piece that I wrote that night:

The Migration of My Heart

Geese calling to one another
above us they fly
in the pewter sky.

Beneath, I walk
with my two babies
always yearning for my third.

The birds
with miles traveled
are always drifting away
and falling back into formation.

Their smooth dance choreographed
by honks and calls.
Searching, checking, they migrate and return.
Their music is lonely and heartbreaking,
though they are together.
Somehow the sound comforts me.

Geese calling to one another
form a V
outlined in the gray, drab sky.
I find her there.

---
Photo Credits: Stephanie Cole

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CDP from Doing My Best

At the end of my rainbow pregnancy with D, I was emotionally exhausted, ready for him to be here safe in my arms, missing V, and feeling like I wasn't enjoying my last days alone with E.  I even went as far as to research prenatal (or antenatal) depression.  I was strung out on hormones and suffering from insomnia again like I did during my pregnancy with V.

During this time, without knowing my struggles, Doing My Best sent me the most perfect CDP.  It was full of individually wrapped gifts to open on particularly tough days (and brownie mix to bake as needed).  She is just THAT thoughtful.  I'd like to show you the awesomeness it contained in the hopes that you'll be able to spread the love on to someone else who is struggling in the form of a CDP when they most need it.

The first package contained these dinosaur themed burp cloths!  I love the way she crocheted the edging!

The next gift was a whole slew of cloth breastfeeding pads.  I was definitely looking forward to nursing D and anything re-usable is perfect for us!  These are made with 3 layers of fun printed flannel on one side and super soft and absorbent fleece on the other.  This picture doesn't showcase all of the pads, but the rest are currently in the wash.

There was a present for E which contained a Biscuit sticker book, a pony from Doing My Best's daughter's collection (awwww!), and lots of other goodies, including some of DMB's family's favorite books like Too Purpley! and The Hiccupotamus.  The Hiccapotamus book made me laugh out loud that night at bedtime when we discovered the biographical list of characters in the book at the end.  Laughs were the best medicine so this story ended up being a gift for me as well!

The final and best gift was this GORGEOUS blanket that she crocheted!

There is little heart details on each square and it's rainbow, but still boyish enough to be for D.  I love, love, love this.  My heart is so thankful every time I think about how long this must have taken her, how she worked on it for someone she "met" through blogging, how sweet it was of her to make for us.  

Thank you for allowing me to introduce you to my talented and generous friend who made the last few weeks of my pregnancy more tolerable.  Now, let's all go bother her to post tutorials for all of these handmade gifts!  

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Welcome Baby D

He's here!

D was born on 12-4-12 at 8:00 am.  He is 8 lbs., 8 oz. and 21 1/2" long.  He shocked us all with his red hair!

He looks so much like his sister Violet.

Big sister, E, couldn't be happier.  Last night she held him and told him, "You're the best baby ever!"

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Goodbye October, Hello November

Day 31 - Sunset

I missed the sunset last night because I was trick or treating with E.  Instead, here is a picture of a sunset I took last winter as my husband, E, and I drove to spend New Year's Eve with our family.  I remember looking into it, feeling at peace, and my husband asking/knowing I was thinking about Violet.

I would like to thank Carly Marie for her Capture Your Grief project.  It was therapeutic to complete and kept me writing during an otherwise difficult month.  It is much easier lately to hold everything in.  I needed a reminder to do this grief work.  

In order to continue along the same lines, I'll be participating in November's 30 Days of Gratitude project (most people participate via Facebook status) by posting a picture every day in November of something that makes me thankful.

November 1 - I am thankful that I was able to take this little "Dorothy" trick or treating last night.  After every stop she would ask for "one more house, Momma!"  She wanted to hold my hand so I walked as much as I could, knowing that some year she won't want me to tag along with her.  When she was tired, I had a friend who was willing to carry her for me since I can't due to pre-term contractions with increased activity.  I am thankful for this kind friend as well as the friends who invited us to trick or treat with them!  

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Capture Your Grief - Days 28, 29, 30

Day 28: Memory

First touch.

Day 29: Music

I sang a lot to Violet during her time with us.  The songs were random, but perfect.  Blame it on the pain medication and lots of Nick Jr. with E, but here is one that I sang to her a lot.  "I hear a pattern calling me back to my babies."  I love that it reminds me of her now in the most subconscious part of my mind.

Day 30: Your Grief - Tell The World

My heart will be forever broken because hers was, too.

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Capture Your Grief - Day 27

Day 27: Artwork

I found Suzanne through Glow in the Woods, a fantastic community for baby loss families (and the first online resource where I truly felt "at home").  She also learned during her pregnancy that Nathaniel would not live long after birth.  Late last summer and early into the fall, we traded emails, sharing our stories, babies, and souls.  I will never forget staring at Nathaniel's beautiful pictures in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and Violet still rolled in my belly.

Before Violet was born, Suzanne sent me sage tea from her garden to stop my milk production.  She also sent a ceramic mug with a tea cup insert to brew the tea and a candle.  I have tried to since buy the same scent of the candle in Pacifica's perfume line, but it's unavailable.  The smell was perfect and I know this sounds silly, but the color of the mug was perfect, too.  I felt so comforted by this friend so far away.  I still use the mug regularly, thinking of Suzanne and wishing we were having tea or coffee together throughout this first, difficult year for both of us.

I vaguely remember her asking me awhile ago if she could draw Violet.  Of course, I agreed then promptly forgot about it.  Until the package arrived yesterday.  When I saw her name on the return address, I knew whatever was inside would be perfect.

It was, all of it.  The card, the artwork.  Her portrait of our girl.

The photo she used is the one where Violet opened her one eye as much as she could.  She never opened her other eye.  The more I stare at this piece, the more of V I see coming through.  It's almost as it transforms and becomes more alive as I study it.  Her lips, especially, are perfect.  It's more "her" than the photograph.  To say I love it is an understatement.

Suzanne got it all perfect, again.  Thank you my wonderfully talented and loving friend.

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Capture Your Grief - Days 25 & 26

Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing

While we didn't have a shower for V, our Kindermusik family did shower us with gifts of comfort and love our whole family both before she arrived with a gift basket and after with a brunch to celebrate her life.

We also were surrounded with love in the form of gifts, meals, and well wishes from all over.  Thank you for these gifts we will never forget.

Day 26: Their Age

No picture for this one, but I've always been amazed that Violet was with us for exactly 2.5 days, which is the average age for a baby with Trisomy 13.

From Wednesday, November 2nd at 9:04 am to Friday, November 4th at 7:30 pm.

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Capture Your Grief - Day 24: An Amazing Sister

Day 24: Siblings

Dear E,

You amaze me.

Every day you talk about your brother AND your sister when others hesitate to say her name.  This morning, you whispered, "Baby Vi," so soft and sweetly and then you screamed, "Baby D," in a silly boisterous voice defining them as I imagine their personalities to be.  Sometimes I think you know them better than anyone.

You take my breath away.

You ask me to lift up my shirt as you sing to him, bring him your treasured Cowie, set a binky on my belly, and blow raspberries to wake him up.  I am in awe that you are so young yet so involved and interested in his pregnancy.  He has been a person to you for many months already and your sister continues to be a real person to you, too.  It's beautiful.

You inspire me.

You seem to know exactly how to naturally incorporate them both into our lives as they should be.  "Mys sister died," you'll say, a bit sadly but more matter of fact than anything.  Just like that.  Yep, she did.  And we're still here, still waiting for your brother, surviving.  As a side note, I hope you never stop saying "mys" instead of "my."

You give me hope.

My first born girl, you started my journey as a mother.  It's not what I imagined it to be, but because you are in it, it is even better than my wildest dreams could've imagined.

You are my strength.

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Capture Your Grief - Days 21, 22, & 23

Day 21: Altar, Shrine, or Sacred Space

I'm sorry, I just can't take a picture of and share the space where we keep Violet's memento items on display.  It's too personal and private to me.  No one has even ever seen it except my husband and me.

Day 22:  Place of Birth

Day 23: Her Photo

I love this one for a few reasons: the tear on her cheek (We have a shot from right before this that E loves where V is SCREAMing.  She loves that and the picture we have of her getting her dirty diaper changed.  Anything where V was a typical baby is a favorite of hers!) and the brown headband that Karen brought that was just perfect for V and matched this dress.  How Karen knew to bring this perfect accessory, I'll never know.

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Capture Your Grief - Days 17, 18, 19, & 20

I'm so far behind.  I can't even begin to explain how tired and sore this pregnancy is making me.  6 more weeks.

Day 17: Anniversary, Birthday, Due Date

We haven't had any of these (yet) except for her due date, which was uneventful for me since I knew she'd be an early, planned c-section.  After her birthday on November 2, I'm sure I'll write about what we do to celebrate.

Day 18: Your Family Portrait

One of the worst things about losing Violet is knowing that we'll never have a complete family portrait again once D is born.

Day 19: Project

Our fundraiser was a great project for me in the early months of my grief.  We are hoping to have something again this spring, but it will probably be a bit smaller due to having a new little one keeping me busy, too.

Day 20: Charity

The charity that we are raising money for in our fundraisers is Sustaining Grace, which provides non-medical 3D ultrasounds for families who are pregnant with a baby who has a fatal diagnosis.  This picture is from our ultrasound that we received from them.  Look at her smile, safe inside me!

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Capture Your Grief - Day 16

Day 16: Release

The three in the middle are ours to baby V.

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Capture Your Grief - Days 13, 14, & 15

Day 13: Signs

This post outlines the most profound, "Hi, Momma, I'm here," sign I've had, but there have been others since then.  Smaller ones, but ones I'd love to share if you ask me.

Day 14: Community

I would be lost without the moms I've met through the Sweet Pea Project.  This picture is from last night at their balloon release.  I hugged Michelle, Lisa, Bethany, Melissa, Nicole, Julie, and Jenn.  They are my community.

Day 15: Wave of Light

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A Rainbow Update - 32 Weeks

I'm very emotional.  I have work to do and Capture Your Grief posts to catch up on, but where do I go for solace?  Here, to my writing.  That speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Friday night my friends had a baby shower for baby D and me.  He was celebrated with love and his older sister was remembered in such special ways at the shower, too.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  I came home to take the tags off of so many tiny blue items, which was bliss.  I will dedicate a whole post to the shower later with pictures.

I only had one moment, holding up a pair of pajamas, where I thought about how I should have done that last year for her.  As much as we wanted a little girl again this time to replace that lost sister for E, I am now very grateful that he is a boy.  It separates them a bit more in my heart and mind during this confusing time.

Last night, we were admitted to the hospital with pre-term contractions 3 minutes apart.  After 2 hours of monitoring and several tests, they confirmed that the contractions weren't labor (yet) and gave me medication to slow them.

The trouble maker.

Tomorrow we have a volunteer ultrasound with a student technician, then we're going to Sweet Pea Project's 3rd Annual Remembrance Gathering.  E is excited to release balloons to send to baby Vi and I am looking forward to lots of hugs with other mommas I've met over the past year.

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Capture Your Grief - Day 12

Day 12: Scents

One of the best pieces of advice I received as we were preparing to meet Violet was to get a special scented lotion to use on her that I could later smell to remind me of her.  A great friend brought me samples of Philosophy's Pure Grace and Baby Grace, but Pure Grace was the winner.

I remember rubbing it into her soft skin and soaking in the smell.  Now, I have the lotion, soap, and perfume for myself and it takes me right back to her.  I can wear it on the days I need her close and no one knows I am carrying her with me and healing my heart all day as I smell it.

I think I'll always collect every product in this scent available!

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Capture Your Grief - Day 11

Day 11: Supportive Family/Friends

E has a very special friend who she's known since she was 6 months old.  His name is X.  We all met at a Baby Signs workshop.  I remember that we talked about teething, trading advice, then later met again in a Kindermusik class the following year.

I was newly pregnant with V.  I don't think I had even told anyone yet.  X would dismiss his momma, Michelle, and his Nannie to come sit in my lap during class.  E was very independent so she didn't mind and I soaked up some little boy time as we swayed, clapped, and danced together.  We laughed that X had two laps in the class, but he chose mine.  Now I know that he had another reason for "picking" us.

Our two families grew close as the months passed.  Last summer, E and X had a play date at a playground during which I had the chance to talk to Michelle about her first son, Raysen.

During their 20 week ultrasound, Raysen showed some anomalies that would make life after he was born difficult for him.  His family prayed for a miracle and hoped that with medical interventions he would pull through.  After 2 days of fighting, he passed away.  Three years later, they were blessed with their rainbow, X, who was quickly becoming E's best friend.

I remember Michelle telling me she didn't want to scare me since I was pregnant with Violet and quickly approaching our 20 week ultrasound ourselves.  I assured her that I wanted to hear all about Raysen.  I sympathized with her, going home that night and saying to my husband, "I can't imagine going to your 20 week ultrasound not knowing anything was different, then finding out your baby might not live."

And well, we know how our story continues.  Not a month later, it was us in that ultrasound room, getting the same news.  Michelle was the one that realized I took a bit too long to get back on Facebook and announce the gender of our baby.  She texted me, checking to see if everything was alright, while telling her mother (who we are also super close to) that she was terrified that something was very wrong.

My sweet friend was right about our news.  I called her so often in those early days of Violets's diagnosis, hating that she understood, but clinging to the one person I knew face to face who had been through it and would talk to me about it.  We looked at Raysen's pictures together, she gave me advice about what to plan and think about, we cried together, and I told her that I hoped one day I could be to someone else what she was to me.  A life line in a bleak and barren grief landscape.  A smile that whispered, "I've survived.  You will, too."  Tears that showed that the pain never goes away, but it change with time.

She told me that her husband reminded her, "One day at a time," which quickly became my adopted motto, too.

Michelle got to meet, love on, and hold Violet before she went to be with Raysen.  Michelle and her husband returned the day we were released from the hospital without our daughter to help us load up the car, work on our discharge paperwork, and I know that her husband had a heart to heart with mine about what it meant to be a grieving dad.  Their support was and continues to be priceless to us.

X and E will grow up together sharing the experience of losing a sibling.  We attended Sweet Pea Project's Brothers and Sisters Picnic together this year.

Two here, two there.  Together.

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Capture Your Grief - Days 8, 9, & 10

Day 8: Jewelry

I am very fortunate to have quite a bit of jewelry gifted to me in memory of Violet.  I have a purple bracelet that Susie made me, a purple bracelet with E & V charms that Alisha's mom made me, a purple and silver bracelet that Amber got me with Violet's name and dates on it, initial rings for all three of my kids from my sister, the memorial wrist bands we had made for Violet's fundraiser, the momma necklace I ordered with E and V's names that Violet held, and this necklace that Melissa, Dawn, and Megan got for me with her actual foot print on it.

The jewelry comforts me so much.  I love collecting it to carry her with me each day again!

Day 9: A Special Place

The room where she spent her whole life.

Day 10: Symbol 

A logo that Karen made for us for the fundraiser which encompasses all of the symbols that remind me of her: a violet, the color purple, her sweet feet.

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Fall & Memory Triggers

It all started on the first cool fall day this year when I stepped into a warm shower.  Something about the transition of that  temperature change took me right back to last fall when V was born.  It's fascinating to me that smells and temperatures can trigger memories that I've tried to get to all year with pictures and my mind with no success.

Nightmares started last week.  I've had two so far.  One where she was already gone and I was taking care of her body.  One were E was choking and she looked just like V did during her apnea episodes and I told my husband that I can't watch another one of my babies die.  I haven't been able to dream about her all year except in nightmares.

I'm sorry that the blog is going to be dark and real for the next month or so.  I promise to try to mix in upbeat parts as well.  I just don't know where else to get this out.  If you are still reading, thank you for walking this journey along with me.

I told a new friend last week that I feel badly imagining readers coming here for educational activities and stumbling into this mess of grief and loss and pain.

She said, "That's educational, too."

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