Still Playing School: May 2012


By Devany LeDrew | Labels: 3 Comments
The genetic counselor from Maternal Fetal Medicine called today with our results from our first trimester screen.  They combine the measurements from our ultrasound with blood work taken from me.

 Let the record show that this is the fifth time I've had my blood drawn for this pregnancy and I'm only 11 weeks along.  E is proud of me each time when I don't cry.

1 in 10,000 for Down syndrome.
1 in 2,000 something for Trisomy 13 and 18 combined.

These are really great results considering we had a recurrence risk of 1 in 120 before the test, even though we aren't carriers, just because it happened with V.

I still really hate statistics because last time we were the 1.

They stab me again in 4 weeks to check for gestational diabetes nice and early.  
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Our Rainbow Baby

By Devany LeDrew | Labels: , 5 Comments
Here s/he is.

Our new hope.

A secret carried since the week of Violet's fundraiser.  A whisper from her that week that she was proud of us, that we were heading in a healing direction, that everything would be as okay as it could be without her.

An explanation as to where I've been the past several months, laying low, at home, quite sick, tired, and emotional with falling in love with our third one while hugging our first and missing our second.

Our rainbow baby, defined as "the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

While using this definition, I feel the need to clarify that V was our sunshine.  Losing her was the storm.

Before knowing we were expecting, our friend Karen used this song in one of the slide shows of the photos she took of V's time with us.   Another message from V?  "You are the sunshine on rainy days.  And if I have sunshine, a rainbow is coming my way..."

"And the skies will not always be gray..."

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Mother's Day

By Devany LeDrew | Labels: 2 Comments
One of the best parts about Mother's Day was taking a nap in the middle of the day with E.  This almost never happens since she has a difficult time settling down with us around, but since we weren't at home, I laid with her until we both fell asleep.  I woke up and watched her face as she slept, thankful that I was her momma.  She opened her eyes, saw me and smiled, and went back to sleep.

The other best part was after her bath.  Lately while I dry her off, I wrap her in a towel and sing "You Are My Sunshine" to her.  Last night she grabbed my cheeks, with a hand on either side of my face, and sang it to me.

She sure knows how to heal my heart.

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Water Beads

What are water beads? We finally got our hands on some this week.  This picture prompted so many questions on our Facebook page that I decided to tell you more about them! You won't want to miss this sensory experience!

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6 months

By Devany LeDrew | Labels: 2 Comments

I've wondered about how adamantly baby loss mommas mark the month birthdays.  Then again, don't all parents?  Isn't it just a way to measure how time is passing, how our babies or our grief is developing?

For one thing, it seems impossible that time can go on without your baby.  Time is a dimension that has always been difficult for me to understand but has fascinated me since I read Einstein's Dreams.  The fact that time seems to be moving in a linear fashion away from V is unbelievable.  She was JUST here, but she's been gone forever like a dream.  If I think about it too much, I get lost.

Another idea that boggles the mind is looking at children that were born around the same time or even after (!) your baby.  Seeing how they've grown, changed, and met milestones while your baby stays a newborn is a paradox.  How can V be 6 months old and 2 days old, perpetually?

Then there is marveling at the fact that you've arrived here, on the other side, SIX months to the other side and you're still surviving.  Breathing.  Eating.  Laughing.  Sleeping.  Loving.  Mothering.  Any parent understands that the mere thought of losing your child makes your breath clench in your chest in thoughts that you couldn't possibly go on.  I still think that about losing E.  Yet, you do keep living, with any luck, living well and happily and that's astonishing.

The added bonus that her six month birthday falls on the same day of the week that she was born on is not lost on me.  Wednesday to Friday, every week, for 26 weeks, I've measured of her life span.

Happy 1/2 birthday, baby girl.
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Everything E Says

By Devany LeDrew | Labels: 2 Comments
Recording everything E says for 20 minutes:

(to baby doll)
"Pink milk."
"Peepee?  Yes."
"Mutti's house." (Mutti is her grandmother)
"More?  Hmm?  Juice?  Hmm?  Pink milk?  Yes.  Pink chips!  Yes, pink chips!"
"Yes, pink chips, Baby Vi." (she has named all of her baby dolls after her baby sister)

(Found a piece of dyed pasta outside)
"Mommy!  Uh oh!"

(playing with water beads)
"Uh, oh."
(throws one)
"Sorry, Momma."
(imitating me yelling at her for thowing one)
"Uh, oh."
"Uh, oh."
"I got it."

(watching the Scentsy of the Month video with me on Youtube)
"I see?"
"Ice cream cone!"
"Look, Momma, pink!"

(back to water beads)

(looking at bird feeder)
"Eat.  Eat, eat, Momma."

(sees a chair)
"I sit."
"Help, Momma."
(I accidentally put the chair on her foot)
"I sit right here."
"Baby Vi, binky."

(back to water beads)
"Uh, oh, Momma."
"Pick up."
"No, you do it."
(I explain if she won't pick up the ones she spills herself, we need to put the sensory bin away)
"Yes, play."

(back to baby doll)
"Sit, Nana's house?  Yes."
"Buh-bye.  Nana's house.  Mommy Nana's house.  Daddy, Nana's house.

(notices Daddy is home from work)
"Daddy home!!!!"

(end scene)

I highly recommend doing this regularly with your child without them knowing.  Stick the notes in a baby book!
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