Still Playing School: rainbow baby

The Genetics of Red Hair

By Devany | Labels: 8 Comments
We get a lot of comments about D's red hair.  The first was just seconds after he was born, from our favorite anesthetist, Doug, who was present for all three of our children's c-sections.  I'll never forget him asking, "Is that...red hair?"


It was difficult to tell immediately, but after his first bath there was no denying it.  We had a ginger!  After E's jet black hair (at birth) and Violet's brown, we were shocked and the fact still hasn't sunk in completely.


We get at least one comment everywhere we go, usually, "Where did his red hair come from?"  I always answer the same way, "We aren't entirely sure, but there is red hair on both sides from his great aunts.  But not...this red."

But as I do more research, what I really want to answer is, "From a MC1R recessive gene on his 16th chromosome."


It's also getting redder, I think.  Or more "orange," as E likes to correct people who call him a red head.

The most interesting facts I've researched in the last 6 months include:

- Mr. SPS and I must both have a recessive gene for red hair that we passed on to D.  One in four of our children will have red hair and half of them will be carriers for the hair color, even if they do not have the red hair themselves (like E).  The red never shows up unless you have children with someone else who also has a recessive gene, so that explains how it can skip several generations then show up as a surprise like it did with us!

- Despite what strangers like to tell me in making conversation, red hair is not becoming extinct or dying out.

- D is more likely to be left handed, have a lower tolerance for pain and need more anesthesia, and has an increased ability to make vitamin D from the sun.

As far as having a worse temper, the verdict is still out, at least with D.  He is the most pleasant boy you can imagine 99% of the time, but it does seem to me when he gets mad or really upset, he cries much harder than E ever did.  It's rare, but during these crying fits I often check to see if he's hurt because he is so very inconsolable.  His toddler tantrums should be a blast!

Do you have a child with red hair or does it run in your family?  Do you know any other interesting facts about red hair?

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Five Months Old: Haircut, Favorite Teethers


D turned 5 months old on Saturday.  He got his first haircut this weekend.



Maybe he won't be confused for a girl as much now.  E was around the same age when she had her first haircut, too.  Our babies have LOTS of hair (For 37 weeks, Violet, too).  


D is also teething so he's completely inconsolable at times.  Here are some teethers that we know and love:


Of course, Sophie the giraffe is a fan favorite.  She is a hand-me-down from E (so you know she's durable) and doubles as a toy.  She squeaks when you squeeze her.  Right now, D still has a bit of trouble getting her best chewy bits into his mouth (feet! ears! whole head!) but when I am assisting, he loves to munch on her.


We also recently ordered the Razbaby Razberry Teether.  I think D will like it more as he gets more teeth and gets bigger.  He uses it now because it easily hooks to a stroller or highchair with links, but I think he'll use it more in the future.  


But by far, D's favorite teether right now is the Tommee Tippee Chewther.  We actually ripped open the packaging before we had even paid for it at the store because he needed to gnaw on something!  It stays in his mouth well, comparable to a pacifier, but it looks like a mouth guard with textured surface.

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This post includes affiliate links, which means if you click and end up ordering, we get a small percentage back for recommending them to you.  As always, all opinions are 100% my own.
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CDP from Doing My Best

At the end of my rainbow pregnancy with D, I was emotionally exhausted, ready for him to be here safe in my arms, missing V, and feeling like I wasn't enjoying my last days alone with E.  I even went as far as to research prenatal (or antenatal) depression.  I was strung out on hormones and suffering from insomnia again like I did during my pregnancy with V.

During this time, without knowing my struggles, Doing My Best sent me the most perfect CDP.  It was full of individually wrapped gifts to open on particularly tough days (and brownie mix to bake as needed).  She is just THAT thoughtful.  I'd like to show you the awesomeness it contained in the hopes that you'll be able to spread the love on to someone else who is struggling in the form of a CDP when they most need it.

The first package contained these dinosaur themed burp cloths!  I love the way she crocheted the edging!


The next gift was a whole slew of cloth breastfeeding pads.  I was definitely looking forward to nursing D and anything re-usable is perfect for us!  These are made with 3 layers of fun printed flannel on one side and super soft and absorbent fleece on the other.  This picture doesn't showcase all of the pads, but the rest are currently in the wash.


There was a present for E which contained a Biscuit sticker book, a pony from Doing My Best's daughter's collection (awwww!), and lots of other goodies, including some of DMB's family's favorite books like Too Purpley! and The Hiccupotamus.  The Hiccapotamus book made me laugh out loud that night at bedtime when we discovered the biographical list of characters in the book at the end.  Laughs were the best medicine so this story ended up being a gift for me as well!

The final and best gift was this GORGEOUS blanket that she crocheted!


There is little heart details on each square and it's rainbow, but still boyish enough to be for D.  I love, love, love this.  My heart is so thankful every time I think about how long this must have taken her, how she worked on it for someone she "met" through blogging, how sweet it was of her to make for us.  


Thank you for allowing me to introduce you to my talented and generous friend who made the last few weeks of my pregnancy more tolerable.  Now, let's all go bother her to post tutorials for all of these handmade gifts!  
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Infant Language Development: 3 Months Cooing and Babbling


Baby D is 3 months old.  In addition to cooing, he is also starting to babble.  Cooing is the vowel sounds: oooooooh, aaaaaaaah, while babbling is the introduction of some consonant sounds.  Lately we are hearing a lot more gaaaaaa, goooooooo, and maaaaaaaaa.

E is an amazing big sister (again!) so we've been coaching her on how to help D learn to talk with the following tips, which are helpful for siblings and adults alike.  Of course, we don't give E all the child development reasoning, but we do tell her she's an awesome big sister!

- E will tell me that D is crying when he makes any sounds.  I had to explain to her that sometimes what sounds like fussing is actually him just practicing his "words".

- When D makes some of his pre-linguistic sounds, we repeat the same sounds back to him.  We can also teach real words by saying some that start with the same sound.
D: "Maaaaaaaaaaa!"
E: "Maaaaaaa!  Yes, Momma!  Mommy is in the kitchen."
We know that he isn't asking for me yet, but I can step in then and wave to him.  This allows him to begin to recognize that the sounds he is making can be put together to mean something.  It's also great initial sound practice for E.  "D said gaaaaaaa.  What can we show him that starts with a /g/ sound?"

-  After D makes a sound, we answer, then we wait for him to respond.  This verbal back and forth sets the stage for the turn taking of conversations.  He is learning expressive and receptive language.  One study shows that 4 month old infants who have pre-linguistic turn taking with an adult have greater cognitive ability when they are 2 years old.

- E shows D objects around the house while telling him their names.  Adults can do this by carrying the baby to different rooms to take in new sights, but E needs to stick to bringing things to him.  "Look, baby D, this is Cowie!  Cowie is a cow.  Mooooooo!"

- Today she also showed him her sippy cup and signed "milk" to him!  I was so excited that she remembered the sign, but then she did the same sign for grape juice and duck, so obviously we need a refresher course on baby sign language.

Not only do these exercises allow my kids to interact while I may be occupied with other things, but we are also teaching D to use other sounds (instead of crying) to get our attention.

Here are some great sample infant sound recordings!


Before I know it, they really will be whispering secrets to each other!
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A Response to our Rainbow Delivery

I was asked to write a letter to our hospital regarding some issues we had during D's delivery.  I am publishing it here as well in the hopes that it may reach other hospitals and families.  Please contact me if you have any further questions or would like to know more about our birth plan and/or experience!

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To Whom It May Concern:

In December of 2012, I delivered my “rainbow” baby at (name of facility). A year prior, his sister was also born there and lived 2.5 days, her entire life, at this same hospital. We knew during our pregnancy with her that she would not live long. Anticipating the emotions and triggers that might be present when delivering a new baby after a neonatal loss, I wrote out a detailed birth plan for my son's arrival. In it, I asked that all staff handling our care be aware of our situation so that they would understand why this time was highly stressful. It was not to be a typical birth and delivery. While welcoming our son into the world, our daughter would feel very close. We welcomed that but also knew it would bring up fresh waves of grief. I also knew I wouldn't be up to telling her story over and over again to explain why this was so.

Delivery went well and was uneventful, except for the fact that I immediately started noticing that the nurses prepping me had not read our birth plan. They did not know about our daughter, but then did mention recalling our delivery of her once I brought it up.

In recovery, they noticed that our son was having some breathing issues, most likely due to the c-section. He was able to remain with us to be monitored for this, but throughout our stay his gagging and choking reminded me so much of our daughter's apnea episodes before she passed away. He resembled her at birth which was a gift, but also added to these flashbacks. I was having extreme emotional reactions to watching him struggle even though I knew he was essentially healthy and fine.

I received conflicting instructions from nurses regarding what to do when he was struggling to breathe. Some said to pull the emergency chain, then when we did other nurses seemed put out that we were reacting so severely to routine c-section recovery issues. Clearly, staff was not reading our birth plan. When asked about this, I found out that this was indeed the case. Since we were in recovery, they figured our birth plan was no longer pertinent. From that point on, I asked that each nurse tell the next coming on duty of our story, but again, I feel like this should have been a time when I could focus on my health, my son's, and grieving our daughter instead of informing nurses of our situation.

When we delivered my daughter, we knew she would pass away. The palliative care team at the hospital was superb, helping us prepare, and marking our room and files with a butterfly to signify our special circumstances. I suggest that rainbow deliveries be marked in the same way with a rainbow.

Some nurses also told me that they didn't take grief and bereavement training because they were in couplet care. Once a mother and baby are there, it is because everything is fine. Because of this, these nurses rarely dealt with the still births or fatal prenatal diagnosed babies.

I welcome the opportunity to share our story and experience with staff in the future in order to better educate them about the delicate situation of a rainbow delivery.
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Welcome Baby D

He's here!


D was born on 12-4-12 at 8:00 am.  He is 8 lbs., 8 oz. and 21 1/2" long.  He shocked us all with his red hair!


He looks so much like his sister Violet.


Big sister, E, couldn't be happier.  Last night she held him and told him, "You're the best baby ever!"

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Unique and Lovingly Made Nursery Artwork

By Devany | Labels: 2 Comments
I've been wanting to write about this for awhile, but lately writing is just not happening.  I still need to share a whole post about our gender reveals, our baby shower, and write another guest post for Lebanon Macaroni Kid before D arrives.

When we were expecting E, I asked all of our friends and family to make a
5" x 7" piece of artwork in the theme of her nursery: sea turtles.


Can you find my sister's pun?


These turned out so much better than I ever imagined.  Each piece took on the personality of the artist, from my dad's wood burning to my nephew's talented shading.  They still hang in her room and I love them so very much.


When she eventually outgrows this theme, I can put them all into a scrapbook for her.


Now we are doing the same for D, but with robots.  We received our first piece yesterday from my dear friend Michelle!  I was so excited to get one!


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A Rainbow Update - 35 Weeks

While I am thankful for a lot of things, I don't think the November gratitude project is going to happen here.  I need to pull in, enjoy this last month with just E, clear some responsibilities, and organize the house.

I never want to forget E climbing into our bed last night, her tiny hand holding mine for quite some time before she pulled it away to reach down and rub my very pregnant belly.

We are so ready to meet you, D.  This blog and many other projects will have to wait.  We are going to have a much needed babymoon.
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Capture Your Grief - Day 24: An Amazing Sister

Day 24: Siblings

Dear E,

You amaze me.

Every day you talk about your brother AND your sister when others hesitate to say her name.  This morning, you whispered, "Baby Vi," so soft and sweetly and then you screamed, "Baby D," in a silly boisterous voice defining them as I imagine their personalities to be.  Sometimes I think you know them better than anyone.


You take my breath away.

You ask me to lift up my shirt as you sing to him, bring him your treasured Cowie, set a binky on my belly, and blow raspberries to wake him up.  I am in awe that you are so young yet so involved and interested in his pregnancy.  He has been a person to you for many months already and your sister continues to be a real person to you, too.  It's beautiful.

You inspire me.

You seem to know exactly how to naturally incorporate them both into our lives as they should be.  "Mys sister died," you'll say, a bit sadly but more matter of fact than anything.  Just like that.  Yep, she did.  And we're still here, still waiting for your brother, surviving.  As a side note, I hope you never stop saying "mys" instead of "my."


You give me hope.

My first born girl, you started my journey as a mother.  It's not what I imagined it to be, but because you are in it, it is even better than my wildest dreams could've imagined.

You are my strength.
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A Rainbow Update - 32 Weeks

I'm very emotional.  I have work to do and Capture Your Grief posts to catch up on, but where do I go for solace?  Here, to my writing.  That speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Friday night my friends had a baby shower for baby D and me.  He was celebrated with love and his older sister was remembered in such special ways at the shower, too.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  I came home to take the tags off of so many tiny blue items, which was bliss.  I will dedicate a whole post to the shower later with pictures.

I only had one moment, holding up a pair of pajamas, where I thought about how I should have done that last year for her.  As much as we wanted a little girl again this time to replace that lost sister for E, I am now very grateful that he is a boy.  It separates them a bit more in my heart and mind during this confusing time.

Last night, we were admitted to the hospital with pre-term contractions 3 minutes apart.  After 2 hours of monitoring and several tests, they confirmed that the contractions weren't labor (yet) and gave me medication to slow them.


The trouble maker.

Tomorrow we have a volunteer ultrasound with a student technician, then we're going to Sweet Pea Project's 3rd Annual Remembrance Gathering.  E is excited to release balloons to send to baby Vi and I am looking forward to lots of hugs with other mommas I've met over the past year.
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A Rainbow Pregnancy - 30 Weeks

This weekend, we'll be 30 weeks pregnant.

Someone asked me this past week if my pregnancy has been an anxious one.  In all honestly, it hasn't been too bad.

I know D doesn't have the same diagnosis that V did.  I know that if he had something else that concerned the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors, we would have known.  The very best eyes who we trusted with both our girls (Yes, we had to go to MFM a few times for ultrasounds with E, too.  We have never had a stress free pregnancy.) have looked at our boy.  He is healthy.

At the same time, I expect the anxiety to come when we bring him home.  I will be scared of SIDS the same way that I'm scared that E will choke.  I know now that no matter how fiercely you love your kids and try to protect them, there are elements beyond your control as a parent.  That fear will never go away.  With postpartum hormones, I'm sure I'll be a really fun roller coaster of emotions.

Last night my husband worked late and E was in bed.  Alone, I was really missing V and wanting D to just be here already.  The waiting is getting a bit difficult, especially with V's birthday approaching.  At the same time, I am cherishing every day left where it's just me and my best buddy E.  She's so excited for her brother, too.  It will be such a beautiful transition to bring him home.

So that is where we are as we approach the final trimester of our rainbow pregnancy.  Not anxious yet, just hopeful, and ready to meet our little guy.

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Rainbow Baby Update - We Know the Gender!

Yesterday, a year and a day after Violet's diagnosis, we returned to Maternal Fetal Medicine to have our 19 week anatomy scan for our rainbow baby.


I would be lying if I said it was all happiness walking back into that building, even though we knew we were most likely getting good news.  

We took the elevator up, talking about how we had our labor/delivery and breast feeding classes for E there.  They had us put a ping pong ball in a inflated balloon and squeeze it out with the squeezes being contractions, the ball being the baby, and the balloon being the uterus.  My ping pong ball wouldn't come out and my balloon popped which we now joke was a sign of our need for a c-section with E.  So the building isn't all sad memories, but it is definitely a bittersweet place where we've visited with all of our pregnancies while some women never step foot in there for a detailed scan.  

It's also where we learned  a lot about Violet, where we saw her monthly on the monitor with her percentages so small yet she was so darling, always hiding her face from the ultrasound wand.

Her little sibling was NOT that shy.  The baby was moving a lot because I drank orange juice so we would have an active show and learn the gender.  We did get our answer right away as the baby wasn't hiding a thing!  The tech told us not to give this one OJ after s/he is born because it wouldn't hold still.  We got a lot of great pictures.

They took the measurements they needed.  This baby's percentages are mostly on the large to average size, with some of the measurements being at least a week ahead.  

A doctor came in and reviewed the scans, took a look for himself, and said, "The baby looks good."

Good meaning healthy.  Such simple, typical, expected news, but what a gift.

We are doing a lot of gender reveal celebrations over the next few weeks, but I will also share the news here after everyone we are telling in person knows.  It's kind of fun, but difficult, to have it as a family secret for now.  And you won't get any reliable information out of E.  Even though we've told her the news, she is still talking about both a boy and a girl baby, using the names we had picked for each.  
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A Grief Update


We went to the beach a few weeks ago and it was perfect.  A lovely little family vacation, familiar yet new though E's eyes.

One evening at high tide, my husband and I walked down to the beach and sprinkled some of Violet's ashes into the waves.  It was the most beautiful, symbolic thing as nature swept her away from me, once again.  I wrote her name in the sand and took this picture seconds before the waves you see washed that away, too.  We collected some sand to take home and on the walk back to the cottage, hand in hand, we found the most perfect, teeny, tiny little white conch shell.  A treasure.

I have always had a compelling draw to the ocean but now it's more meaningful.  My baby is there.  My baby is everywhere.

I feel much more in control of my grief lately.  I visit it like an old friend, an obligation.  I take a deep breath and look at her pictures and videos and allow myself to feel it intensely some times so that it doesn't sneak in with its tangled grip and pull me under (as often, anyway).

I feel a lot more sane now that the first trimester hormones have subsided.  Not only was I sick and tired, but I was SAD.  I was sad in a scary, overwhelming way.  I feel like me again.  Well, the after-V-me.

I'm allowing myself to start to get excited about this new baby in subtle ways, too.  I have unconsciously suppressed the thoughts of the end result (a healthy baby that comes home) to just concentrate on what we have now (a tiny little one hidden in my belly, just starting to make itself known through movements).  In that regard, Violet taught me to live in the moment.  That was how I had to survive her pregnancy and our time with her.  There was no thinking ahead or preparing.

But I also can't allow myself to be limited in the moment this time because (most likely, I keep adding adverbs, probably, all signs point to yes, most likely I will have the end result that most pregnant women take for granted) we have a baby to prepare for that will MOST LIKELY come home and need items here in its home.  In a month, we find out the gender and my husband is suggesting gently that we start talking about what needs done to the extra bedroom, where the baby items are stored, etc.

Oh, rainbow baby, this is all so bittersweet.  You are so intertwined with your sister V and her story, but you should be.  All siblings should be, whether they grow up side by side or not.  You will never meet your sister and I'm so sorry for that.  I am terrified and overjoyed and somewhat healed by the thought of you.
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Our Rainbow Baby

Here s/he is.


Our new hope.

A secret carried since the week of Violet's fundraiser.  A whisper from her that week that she was proud of us, that we were heading in a healing direction, that everything would be as okay as it could be without her.

An explanation as to where I've been the past several months, laying low, at home, quite sick, tired, and emotional with falling in love with our third one while hugging our first and missing our second.

Our rainbow baby, defined as "the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

While using this definition, I feel the need to clarify that V was our sunshine.  Losing her was the storm.

Before knowing we were expecting, our friend Karen used this song in one of the slide shows of the photos she took of V's time with us.   Another message from V?  "You are the sunshine on rainy days.  And if I have sunshine, a rainbow is coming my way..."



"And the skies will not always be gray..."

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